How It Didn't Happen
by Gaia Faye
Summary: We've all read those BV gettogethers where Bulma is the innocent victim, Vegeta is the knight in shining armor, and Yamcha is that evil guy with the mustache who ties the girl to the railroad tracks. This is an exaggeration of that type of story.
1. How It Didn't Happen

Disclaimer: I don't technically own DBZ or the characters... but I stole the technical documentation from those who do! ::shows a briefcase filled with legal papers:: AH HAHAHAHAHA!!! o.o Uh oh! ::runs from Toei, FUNimation, etc. executives::

Author's Notes: We've all read plenty of unrealistic Vegeta and Bulma get-togethers, and now that there of fifteen bajillion of them with more appearing everyday, they can get pretty damn annoying! Anyways, this is a hyperbole (extreme exaggeration) of how some of those fics go. I'm not sure if it's really that funny, but it fits mostly in the humor category...

Oh, and thanks to Paladone, cause the one romance chapter of his fic Gohan's Journey: Fanfiction.net inspired this story. So if you don't like it, blame him. o_o (j/k)

Warning: Extreme OOCness ahead.

How It **_Didn't_** Happen

It was a deliriously happy and peaceful day at Capsule Corporations. The sun smiled, shining its rays onto the world it loved so, and birds twittered melodically as they flew through the air. The squirrels chitter-chattered as they romped gaily with the chipmunks. A group of young children played on the sidewalk outside Capsule Corporations, their hands joined as they skipped around in a circle merrily. Oh, how they skipped!

The doors to Capsule Corporations building opened, and out came Bulma Briefs. She saw the children playing their joyful game of Ring-Around-the-Rosy and laughed as she joined them. The children graciously let her into the circle, and they continued to frolic, reveling in all that was pure and good. Oh, how they reveled!

Suddenly, dark clouds appeared over the once bright horizon. Bulma and the children stopped their dancing, watching in fear as the clouds crossed over the sun, blocking its radiant rays from blessing the land. Cold gusts suddenly blew in from the West, and Bulma and the children were inclined to wrap their arms around themselves to ward off the chill. There was suddenly a shock of lightning followed by an ominous roar of thunder, and instinct pulled Bulma and the children's gaze to the dark figure stalking towards them. Oh, how it stalked!

Chilling, evil, heavy metal, Satan-worshipping type music played as the figure came closer, revealing it to be Yamcha, Bulma's boyfriend. He was donned entirely in leather, from his jacket to his boots, and a cigarette poked from his mouth. Beside him floated his flying blue cat friend, Puar, who had to dodge the small ki blast Yamcha zapped at the one bird who hadn't zipped off the instant the other feathered beings felt the corrupt man's presence.

Yamcha stomped up to the innocent and oblivious Bulma, shoving the little children out of his way. He removed the cigarette from between his lips, snuffing it out on one boy's nose, then snatched a lollipop from a little girl's hand and popped it into his mouth. The little boy and girl ran off crying, followed by their friends who were screaming. Oh, how they cried and screamed!

Despite the youths' quick departure, Bulma seem ecstatic to see the man. "Hello, Yamcha-chan!" she squealed happily, embracing her foo-foo lovingly. "What brings you here?"

The horrible, evil, terrifying Yamcha snorted in disgust at her expression of affection, violently pulling her off of him and throwing her savagely to the ground. Oh, how he threw her!

"Yamcha-chan?" Bulma gasped, sitting on the ground trying to ignore the pain in her leg as she held her bleeding arm which had been injured in the fall. "Why did you do that?"

Yamcha threw the bare lollipop stick on the ground and spat right in her face. "I'm through with you, bitch," he said callously, twirling on end of his sinister looking mustache evilly. "I got me a new ho now! She has longer legs, a thinner waist, bouncier hair, and bigger boobs than you!"

The woman described suddenly appeared, clad in only a string bikini. She sauntered seductively over to Yamcha, leaning against him and wrapping her arms around his neck, smirking at poor, bleeding Bulma. Oh, how she smirked!

"But I loved you so much, Yamcha!" Bulma exclaimed. "How could you trade me in for this slut?"

Yamcha wrapped an arm around the sexy woman's waist and turned away coldly. "You should've gone down on me more. I may have reconsidered." With that, he and the woman hopped into a shiny new red convertible and drove off, Yamcha's heartless, insane laughter echoing in the air. Oh, how it echoed!

"Oh, woe is me!" Bulma helplessly cried, throwing her arms in the air and screaming to the heavens, tears streaming down her heartbroken face. Oh, how they streamed!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vegeta had been training intensively in the gravity room for hours, but as time went on he could no longer keep his concentration. He leaned against the wall, eyes closed, and let out a sigh. Oh, how he sighed!

"Oh, it is no use!" he cried out dramatically. "How can I achieve my dream of being Super Saiyajin knowing that the beautiful blue-haired, blue-eyed maiden is not mine to love and cherish? How can she love that ignorant Yamcha so much when he is so mean and cruel? Is it the leather pants? Is it the bad-ass attitude? Is it the sinister mustache? Oh, I hope not, for I will never be associated with any of those qualities.

With another defeated sigh, the warrior prince trudged over to the door. "I guess I shall never have the pleasure of holding the exquisite Bulma in my arms..." A single tear trailed down his cheek as he opened the door. Oh, how he opened it!

He gasped when he saw Bulma limping to her house, weeping and clutching her blood-gushing arm. Worried, he chivalrously dashed over to her just as she fainted, catching her in his arms as she pitched forward. Oh, how she pitched!

Vegeta quickly took the woman to her lab, laying her on a table and searching for a first-aid kit to bandage her arm. When he found it, he returned to the table only to find that his one true love had awakened from unconsciousness and was watching him with curiosity. Oh, how she watched him!

"Vegeta..." she breathed, pure love radiating through her voice. "I didn't know you cared..."

"Don't speak!" he hushed her, putting a finger to her lips. "Let me bandage your arm."

Vegeta took some gauze from the box, wrapping it around the wound on Bulma's arm. After that was done, he taped it up with the medical tape, finishing off his work by lightly kissing the bandage. Oh, how he kissed it.

"Vegeta," Bulma began again, causing Vegeta to look into her eyes. But she was at a loss for words as they became lost in each other's gaze, their faces being slowly drawn together by some mysterious magnetic pulse...

*DING-DONG* They were interrupted by the doorbell ringing. Oh, how it rang!

Bulma excused herself, getting off the table and walking back out to the living room to answer the door. Vegeta followed her loyally, not eager to leave her alone once they had started to get better acquainted. When she opened the door, however, there stood the malicious Yamcha. Oh, how he stood!

"Bulma," Yamcha said, not sounding quite as evil as usual, "come back to me."

"But what about the other woman?" Bulma asked.

"Oh, she's a bitch. But I want you back now," Yamcha replied. "Tell you what. Come back to me, and I'll marry you." He finished off the statement by pulling a black box from his pocket, opening it to reveal a sparkling diamond engagement ring. Oh, how he revealed it!

Vegeta's heart, so quickly turned from cold stone to warm flesh, sunk in his chest. How could Bulma turn away such an offer? He would never be with her now. Oh, how he would never be with her!

Bulma gasped. "How did you afford such a thing?" she asked Yamcha.

"I used the money I earned selling marijuana and cocaine to preschoolers," he replied cooly.

Bulma's eyes narrowed, reminded of exactly who she was talking to. "You can't buy me off with some dirty ring!" she exclaimed valiantly, smacking the ring away.

Yamcha only smirked at her. "Fine! Be alone forever!"

"She's not alone!" Vegeta stepped in, taking Bulma into his arms. 

"What?" Yamcha snarled, his evil plan to trap Bulma in a marriage with him foiled by the couple's newfound love.

"Oh, Vegeta!" Bulma swooned. "Do you really mean it?"

"But he's just a dirty monkey!" Yamcha growled.

Vegeta responded by socking the awful, awful man in the face. Yamcha flew backwards, unconscious by the time he hit the ground. Oh, how he hit it!

"Yes, I do mean it," Vegeta said softly, turning his attention back to his beautiful Bulma. "I love you!"

"I love you too!" Bulma responded with equal vigor.

And they celebrated their perfect love with their first kiss. The kiss was the purest kiss in the world. No kiss could ever match the purity of this kiss, for no other kiss was that pure!

And so Bulma and Vegeta lived happily ever after, and the evil Yamcha was left alone, wallowing in his miserable solitude for all time. Oh, how he wallowed!

The End

________________________________________________________________

Oh, how it's over! 

Now, don't you wanna go frolic in a meadow of daisies? I know I don't. o_o I feel more like vomiting after writing that. =P Flowers make me sneeze sometimes anyways. And writing all those "Oh, how...!" sentences... Well, the whole thing was generally weird... o_o;;

Ja ne, minna! ^_^


	2. Version 2

Disclaimer: You don't really think I own DBZ in any way, do you? O.o;

Author's Notes: In an effort to fix some grammatical errors and maybe even improve upon previous inspiration (at the risk of destroying the fic itself), I have decided to revise the first humor story I did that I was actually proud of. So here I present version 2.0 of my satire of the bajillion Vejita and Bulma get-togethers that exist on the net.

Warning: Extreme OOCness ahead. Of course, that would be one of the main factors of a satire, ne?

* * *

How It **_Didn't_** Happen

It was a deliriously happy day at Capsule Corporations. The sun smiled, shining its rays onto the world it loved so, and the few clouds that drifted peacefully in the perfectly blue sky were nothing but the purest white. All types of birds twittered melodically as they flew about in the air whilst collecting food for their children all snug in their cozy nests. The squirrels chitter-chattered gleefully as they romped gaily with the chirruping chipmunks through the bouncy grass. A soft breeze caressed the blissful scene while a group of young children joined hands and merrily skipped in cheerful circles on the sidewalk. Oh, how they skipped!

The doors to Capsule Corporations building opened, and out came Bulma Briefs. Ah, she was a positively beautiful young girl for a woman in her early thirties: her shining aqua hair was long and flowing, her large blue eyes captured the attention of any man who set eyes upon her, and her figure was still absolutely stunning with its flawless curves concealed beneath a carnation-colored sundress. She saw the children playing their joyful game of Ring Around the Rosie and clasped her hands together in delight. She laughed as she pranced over to the twirling group to join them. The children graciously let her into the circle, and they continued to frolic as they reveled in all that was pure and good. Oh, how they reveled!

Suddenly, dark clouds appeared over the once bright horizon, causing Bulma and the children to immediately stop their dancing. They watched in petrified fear as the clouds crossed over the horrified sun and blocked its radiant rays from blessing the land. Cold gusts suddenly burst in from the West, and Bulma gathered the children in her arms in a useless attempt to ward off the biting chill. All the creatures scurried off into their burrows or retreated into the trees and bushes to hide from the approaching dark presence. The dull sky was broken by a shock of lightning, followed by an ominous roar of thunder, and instinct pulled Bulma's and the children's gazes to the evil figure stalking towards them down the black road. Oh, how it stalked!

Chilling, heavy metal, Satan-worshipping type music erupted from the bowels of Hell as the figure came closer. A flash of light from another terrifying burst of lightning revealed the bone-shuddering being to be Yamcha, Bulma's boyfriend. He was donned entirely in glossy black leather, from his jacket to his boots, and a lit cigarette poked from the corner of his smirking mouth. Beside him floated his flying blue cat friend, Puar, who had to dodge the small ki blast Yamcha zapped at the one bird who hadn't zipped off the instant the other feathered beings felt the corrupt man's presence. Although the levitating feline was kind, it was doomed to accompany the incorrigible man wherever he went. No one was exactly sure why, but it was said that the cat was eternally bound to the Earth-born demon by a bond forged by Lucifer himself.

Yamcha stomped up to the innocent and oblivious Bulma, shoving the little children out of his way. He removed the cigarette from between his lips and snuffed it out on one sweet boy's nose before snatching a lollipop from a little girl's hand and popping it into his greedy mouth. The boy and girl ran off crying and were swiftly followed by their screaming friends. Oh, how they cried and screamed!

Despite the youths' quick departure brought on by Yamcha's inexcusable behavior, Bulma was ecstatic to see the man. "Hello, Yamcha-chan!" she squealed happily, embracing her foo-foo lovingly. "What brings you here?"

The horrible, evil, terrifying Yamcha snorted in disgust at her expression of affection and violently pulled her off. Being sure to use as much unnecessary force as possible, he threw her savagely to the ground. Oh, how he threw her!

"Yamcha-chan?" Bulma gasped, sitting on the ground trying to ignore the pain in her leg as she held her newly bleeding arm. "Why did you do that?" She stared up at him with her blue eyes, now shimmering with glistening tears.

But his black heart had destroyed all his emotions, and Yamcha was immune to the purity of the gorgeous woman's sad gaze. He threw the moist, bare lollipop stick into her hair and spat directly on her face. "I'm through with you, bitch," he said callously, evilly twirling one end of his sinister mustache. "I gots me a new ho now! She has longer legs, a thinner waist, bouncier hair, and bigger boobs than you!"

The woman described suddenly appeared, clad in only a red string bikini. She sauntered seductively over to Yamcha and leaned against him as he wound a strong arm around her waist. She wrapped her arms about his neck and smirked at poor, bleeding Bulma. Oh, how she smirked!

"But I loved you so much, Yamcha!" Bulma exclaimed, pleading to him on her knees despite her agonizing leg pain. "How could you trade me in for this coquette?"

Yamcha turned away coldly, being sure to visibly grope his new woman's ass. "You should've gone down on me more. I may have reconsidered." With that, he and the woman hopped into a shiny new red convertible. After a noisy bout of heavy French-kissing, the two drove off. Even though the horrid weather vanished without his presence, Yamcha's heartless, insane laughter still echoed in the air. Oh, how it echoed!

"Oh, woe is me!" Bulma helplessly cried, and threw her arms in the air and screamed to the heavens as tears streamed down her heartbroken face. Oh, how they streamed!

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Elsewhere on Capsule Corporation grounds, there stood a spherical structure that was upheld by five metal legs, and it was called the gravity room. Behind the thick windows and locked door, one could hear the muffled blasts and yells of the Saiyajin no Ouji, Vejita, during his efforts to hone his warrior skills.

Ah, he was a regal-looking man with his angular features and piercing onyx eyes that revealed the depths of his very soul. Oh, he was a proud-looking man, whose posture was always straight and whose chin was always held high. Actually, he was a bit of a scary-looking man, with spiky black hair that swept up from his head like a flame. And he was short man. Very short. Oh, if one were, say, a fan artist, one may be tempted to draw him a head or two taller than the currently melancholy Bulma, but such a sketch would be misleading. He was short. A very short man.

Then again, he wasn't a man at all, was he? 'Man' refers to the male half of the human species, of which Vejita had no part in. Vejita was a Saiyajin, an alien race that had been removed from existence some thirty years prior to our tale. So he was, in fact, an alien. A regal, proud, scary, short alien.

On this day, Vejita had been training intensively in the gravity room for hours, but as time went on he could no longer keep his concentration. Depressed, he returned the gravity to that of Earth as the sweat ran down his oh-so-sexy body, which took away from his disturbing hairstyle. He closed his eyes, leaned against the wall, and let out a sigh. Oh, how he sighed!

"Oh, it is no use!" he cried out dramatically. "How can I achieve my dream of being Super Saiyajin knowing that the beautiful blue-haired, blue-eyed maiden is not mine to love and cherish? How can she love that ignorant Yamcha when he is so mean and cruel? Is it the leather pants? Is it the bad-ass attitude? Is it the sinister mustache? Oh, I hope not, for I will never be associated with any of those qualities."

With another defeated sigh, the warrior prince trudged over to the door. "I suppose I shall never have the pleasure of holding the exquisite Bulma in my arms..." A single tear trailed down his cheek as he opened the door. Oh, how he opened it!

His sadness vanished at the sight that lay before him and he gasped. Her clothes stained in red, the wonderful Bulma was limping towards her house. She was weeping and clutching her blood-gushing arm as she struggled to the door on one good leg. Worried, Vejita chivalrously dashed over to her; he caught her in his arms just as she fainted and pitched forward. Oh, how she pitched!

Vejita quickly took the woman into the house and to her lab, where he knew he could find the means to get her the best of care. He laid her onto an empty table and searched the cabinets for a first-aid kit to tend to her afflictions. When he found it, he returned to the table only to find that his one true love had awakened from unconsciousness and was watching him with curiosity. Oh, how she watched him!

"Vejita..." she breathed, pure love radiating through her voice. "I didn't know you cared..."

"Don't speak!" he hushed her, putting a finger to her lips. "Let me bandage you."

Normally the two fought like cats and dogs; their arguments were verbal spars during which neither could fully vanquish the other. Something about today was different. Something had tamed their tempers and opened their hearts. Perhaps it was the gentle hand of Fate as she smiled down upon them. Or maybe it was the strange fumes emitting from Bulma's father's workshop down the hall next door.

Vejita took some gauze from the first-aid kit and began wrapping it around the wound on Bulma's arm. After that was done, he secured it with the medical tape, but then surprised both of them when he finished off his work by lightly kissing the bandage. Oh, how he kissed it.

"Vejita," Bulma whispered, causing Vejita to look into her enchanting eyes. But she was at a loss for words as they became lost in each other's gaze; Vejita's smoldering onyx pupils were truly as enamoring as her own. Their faces were slowly being drawn together by some mysterious magnetic pulse...

DING-DONG They were interrupted by the ring of the doorbell. Oh, how it rang!

Bulma blushed and excused herself. She slid off the table and walked from her lab to the living room to answer the door. Vejita loyally followed close behind her, as he was not eager to leave her alone once they had started to get better acquainted. When she opened the door, however, there stood the malicious Yamcha. Oh, how he stood!

"Bulma," Yamcha said, not sounding quite as evil as usual, "come back to me."

"But what about the other woman?" Bulma asked, shocked by his sudden change of attitude.

He snorted and scornfully waved off the question, which he obviously deemed stupid by his irritated expression. "Oh, she's a bitch. But I want you back now," Yamcha replied. His frown quickly quirked up into a sinfully charming smirk, and he grasped Bulma's lovely chin in his tainted fingers. "Tell you what. Come back to me, and I'll marry you." He finished off the statement by pulling a black box from his pocket. He opened it and revealed a sparkling diamond engagement ring. Oh, how he revealed it!

Vejita's heart, so quickly turned from cold stone to warm flesh, sunk in his chest. How could Bulma turn away such an offer, especially from one she had loved for so long despite his glaring faults? He would never be with her now. Oh, how he would never be with her!

Bulma gasped, her clear blue eyes reflecting the ring's sparkles. She placed a hand on her chest, as if to calm a surge of emotion that could easily control her fragile little mind. "How did you afford such a thing?" she asked Yamcha.

"I used the money I earned selling marijuana and cocaine to preschoolers," he replied coolly.

Bulma's eyes narrowed; the one statement finally reminded her of exactly who she was talking to. "You can't buy me off with some dirty ring!" she exclaimed valiantly, smacking the small velvet case away.

Yamcha's eyes widened in surprise as he watched the ring land in a puddle of mud. When he turned back to her, however, he only smirked. "Fine, my dear! Be alone forever!"

"She's not alone!" Vejita stepped in and took the bewildered Bulma into his arms.

The horrible man was taken aback by the unexpected development. "What?" Yamcha snarled. His evil plan to trap the pure Bulma in a marriage with him so he could live off her family fortune had been foiled by the couple's newfound love.

"Oh, Vejita!" Bulma swooned, staring up at her one-and-only with devoted eyes. "Do you really mean it?"

Yamcha raised a shaking fist. "But he's just a dirty monkey!" he growled.

Vejita responded by socking the awful, awful man in the face. Yamcha was unconscious by the time he hit the ground. Oh, how he hit it!

"Yes, I do mean it," Vejita said softly, turning his attention back to his beautiful Bulma. "I love you!" he declared proudly and without hesitation.

"Oh, Vejita! I love you too!" Bulma responded with equal vigor.

And they celebrated their perfect love with their first kiss. The kiss was the purest kiss in the world. No kiss could ever match the purity of this kiss, for no other kiss was that pure!

And so Bulma and Vejita lived happily ever after, and the evil Yamcha was left alone, wallowing in his miserable solitude for all time. Oh, how he wallowed!

The End

* * *

Oh, how it's over! 

Come! Let us frolic!

:D!

Oi.

Generally, I am pleased with this rewrite, though my favorite part shall always be Vejita's "Don't speak!" line. XD


End file.
